Learning what we feel
Before we can say what we mean
I believe almost everyone struggles to say what they truly feel. Even the “I tell it like it is!” people, I’m sure, are not honest 100% of the time. In the cultures I have spent the majority of my time in, British and American, there seems a strong bias towards expressing positive emotions. Whereas our negative emotions are something we push aside and hide away. The classic advice tells us “if you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
It’s well intended. I’ve used it with my children. Just because one of my daughters doesn’t like what her sister is drawing, it doesn’t mean she should say it looks like a piece of shit. Children can be brutally honest, until we train them out of it. Probably for the better in most cases. I wouldn’t want to live in a culture where people constantly spewed unfiltered negative thoughts at each other. It would be too confrontational, too defensive. What I would I like to see more of, something I’m working on, is more constructive ways to express thoughts and feelings that may be less than favourable.
There is however, a problem.
To say what we feel, we first need to know how we feel. Otherwise we end up saying things that we don’t mean.
If you’ve heard this song from the Tom Tom Club, there’s a great line that sums it up perfectly:
Words are like a certain person
Who can't say what they mean
Don't mean what they say
What spurred this thinking was a recent camping trip. Great conversations as we hiked and sat around the campfire. Many of these conversations would end with someone saying "I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say" or similar. A lot was said, yet quite often neither person was sure what the point was. Conversations don’t always need a point. It's not an essay. A film. A book. Allowing thoughts and feelings to naturally emerge is the beauty of great conversation. You never know where it is going to lead.
Yet, I sometimes get the sense that people are struggling with saying something difficult. Like they’re trying to be heard, understood and make a connection with the other person. The attempt misses that mark and there is a sense of deflation, like they’ve failed. They just can’t find the right words.
Reflecting on my personal experiences, I believe this comes largely from not first understanding our thoughts and emotions.
A thought is nothing more than a series of words and imagery in our mind. A feeling is a chemical reaction in our bodies that elicits a physiological reaction. Whether we think and then feel, or feel and then think, is a lengthy discussion and for me, it varies based on the situation. It all happens incredibly quickly, thousands, if not millions of times per day. At any one point in time, there are a plethora of physical reactions in our body, coupled with a barrage of intermingled thoughts. Boiling that down into a few sentences, with words that can have varied meanings based on the context, is very, very hard.
Painting a landscape is an analogy I like. For the vast majority of people, accurately painting what we see is almost impossible. Only the very few can even come close. It takes years and years of painting to get an artist to a place where the landscape they see with their eyes, is what shows up on the canvas.
An accurate depiction of reality with landscape art isn't always the goal. It can also be a representation or expression of what they see. Although at a minimum, I’m sure most artists would want you to at least know what it is you’re looking at. We could translate this to the expression of our internal landscape. Maybe our communication doesn't need to be 100% accurate, but we probably want to paint a picture that is good enough for people to understand how we are feeling. Although like good art, it takes practice. It is a craft.
I find it uncomfortable to process my negative emotions, let alone express them to someone else. This often leads to a watered down version of what I wanted to say, even if in my stomach it feels dishonest, like I’m holding something back. I get a strong sense of it feeling somehow wrong. I’d call it cognitive dissonance, as my actions are not in line with my beliefs. It feels much easier expressing positive emotions. It's rewarding, encouraged and reinforced through the positive emotions that follow from sharing. Negative emotions, not so much.
Writing helps. I've found going through this process allows me to better talk about my internal dialogue in real time. Conversations help. Just sitting and thinking helps. Journalling helps. Meditating also helps. With my wife, we have, over time, become better at being able to tell each other when we're "pissing each other off" in a constructive manner. It helps us work through issues. We’re closer because of it. I'm also working on bringing honest communication into my work and social life. The reactions I've gotten are surprising.
The fear I have is, by saying what I really feel I'll either upset someone, or get rejected. Yet, time and time again, I feel it's the opposite. When I'm honest and open with people, it can help solve my problem more quickly, or deepen the relationship I have with that person. I don't go into these conversations with negative intent, I won't even say it's positive intent. Often, there is no intent other than to be honest about how I feel. To express and paint a picture of my internal landscape. I wouldn't say I'm being blunt, to me that implies using some kind of force in pressing your opinion. It feels more like allowing things to emerge naturally when the right opportunity presents itself.
Although to get to a place where I first know how I feel in order to express it, I need to give myself time and space to work things out in my own head. Removing myself from daily distractions and thinking through an issue, writing or speaking it through with my wife or close friends.
It comes down to practice. Practice in verbalising what’s going inside my head. Also, practice in first being honest with myself. Juggling the competing voices in my own mind, paying attention to my emotions and accepting my true feelings on an issue, rather than fighting against them. Getting to a place where, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Time & Space. Two things that are not always easy to come by.